Logic out, emotion in
I used to believe in emotion. I used to let it run my life and all that I did day by day, or at least I used to think that I did. But recently I learnt otherwise. Life has become a tangled web of intangible consciousnesses that seem so hard to differentiate between one another that it seems impossible to identify the essential motive for taking a decision in all wakes of life. I find that even in the small acts within our lives, they have a far grander purpose, often invisible to our callous perspectives. A good friend once told me that I stopped making decisions based on my heart a long time ago. She told me that I slowly began conforming to the ways that we all so easily do, to the ways of the world. I may be indirect, but I just didn’t want to use the worn-out phrase ‘society’, but ultimately that’s what it all boils down to. Because of how I personally imagined myself to be, which in itself was formulated largely on the basis of others’ opinions, I had very stubborn preconceived notions of who I was and who I was supposed to be. Thereby inherently limiting myself from a world of possibilities, be it regarding love or life in general.
The reason that this is such a profound topic for me is because I let others so easily influence my opinions/likes/tastes/passions/personality/etc. I was effectively handing them the keys to the rollercoaster of a life that I already possessed. And when somebody who doesn’t really give a damn is given a Bugatti Veyron in the streets of a congested maze, the consequences are irreparable. By letting the opinion of others control my image, thereby controlling me, I was being led rather than allowing myself to find my own path. Life is about experience, that goes without saying, and it these experiences which shape our character to determine the essence of who we truly are in everyday life, who we are in the face of adversity, and who we are within society. It was through experience that I witnessed my own failures as an individual; so easily swayed and influenced by those I let through the barriers of the heart. I was a puppet that let my masters manipulate my very beliefs, I let them shape who I thought I was, and I let them rule. It took a loss so profound to make me realize that, which I shall always regret. I lost a loved one, at no fault of hers, but rather at my own shortcomings as an independent individual among society. Because of the notions of conformity in society, it was written from before our encounter that my love and I would forever be written off as just another failed couple. Yet, lasting 2years, society turned its eye, ignoring our success, and I continued to be so easily swayed. It was no surprise that with the presence of a little difficulty I capitulated without a second thought, blaming the fact that I was not ultimately ‘fulfilled’ in life with my love. I used this merely as an excuse to free myself from something that I believed limited me. I unknowingly searched for an escape from something so good for me, because the seed of doubt was so conveniently placed within my very being from before the conception of our union. Growing exponentially, the doubt that we did not belong forever ruled my actions within our unison. Till one day, I was too weak to fight it anymore.
Why is it so that we never realize what we have till all hope has faded and we’ve lost? Such a cliché, but for a reason no? Time and time again, those few who experience the depths of the darkest subconscious realms, continually try to reiterate the criticality of searching for what we truly desire. Not for the superficial longings so visible in today’s consumerist culture, nor the imposed desires of those close to, or around us, but the quintessential necessity that we all have buried deep within us. So, I say this, go and find what you really want and then think, is this what you really want?
