a sequence of events
It’s been over a year since any constructive piece of writing has flowed from within me, but today shall see that day. It has taken a lot to reach this point in my life, with such a flurry of paradoxical emotions twittering in my heart and mind, it has taken a lot for me to start writing again. I sincerely don’t mean for this to be a life-blog (well, not entirely), perhaps simply a synopsis of who I am, and where I’m coming from, but I find I’m at a loss to be able to describe even that.
So let me just explain what led me to creating this account and writing again. The most positive motivator was undoubtedly my long lost compadre and best friend, aniB. Having not seen such a close friend in over 3 and a half years, I went to visit her in her native habitat during a weeklong break. It was a reunion unfit for ordinary diction, ecstatic in the least. I was in the presence of someone who challenged me, understood me, and pretty much knew me, after too long a time.
If there were any accurate way of describing how I felt, it would only be to say, that for the first time in a long time, I felt at peace, I felt whole, I felt like I finally relinquished the putrid emotions which had scarred me, and finally embraced myself and my situation.
I hadn’t seen aniB or anyone from Panama since I vacated Panama City 3 and a half years ago. Living in that country for 2 and a half years of my life, during the most fundamental adolescent years of my life, I felt a bond with that place. This bond was taken from me, taken and shredded. I was forced to move to my native country, India, to finish off the last two years high school. I was distraught.
My life was not life, but misery embodied in physical entity. A hollow shell, pining for the past, too lost and alone to realize that the future would be the key to revisiting my past. Then I met 2 people. My best friend in India, G Umarov from Kazakhstan, and the girl who stole my heart and put me under a spell, A Kaur.
They changed my life and gave me hope. Both of them. In different ways. Nonetheless, my life was complicated, attributed to the fact that I wasn’t doing things that were healthy for myself, and my life.
Scarred from the forced departure of a place I loved at such a delicate age, I felt like I would never bond with people like those in Panama again, actively sealing my fate and causing my own doom. They never felt I was there, in my entirety. I guess I wasn’t there if the first time I felt like I was with someone who understood me was when I met aniB.
Its been over the course of the last one a half years in university, that I’ve learned a lot. And understood my stubborness is just plain harmful. But the most profound impact one person could have made on my life, would unequivocally be A Kaur. If ever someone believed that nobody could change the essence of your entity, well she almost did mine. Her photo is posted right before this blog.
I was with her for the last 2 years of my life, and Ive known her for the last 3. I would never say that I stopped writing because of her, but I definately stopped while I was with her, even if it was in my control.
To explain our entire relationship, would be a neverending tale such as that of the Illiad, tireless in its exploits to educate the listener to the momentous events that took place in history. But ultimately, she taught me more about love, life, and loss, than I could have ever imagined. We ended our relationship in January, but we haven’t seen each other since October. And we have one of those relationships where its so intimate, that no matter who your with, you can always go back to them. But, in the end, we have ended a 2 year partnership (which, I caused).
The irony however, is that I sit here, in front of all who read this blog, writing again, only when we are no longer a couple.
And I sit writing this blog remembering her, and what I’ve lost. But most of all, I’m writing what I feel, because I lost much more than her. If only you knew…
