Akshibidibop

When you don’t know what happened, how do you describe it?

When you don’t know who you are anymore, what you are, and how you got there, how do you perceive? How do you distinguish between what is defined as reality and what is not? Put simply, you cannot. This is not about merely questioning one’s self of identity, but questioning all that is, and its significance in the far grander framework of the universal. This is a question which has no meaning, for there is no meaning, as ultimately we have no meaning, we all, just are. The individual’s yearning for purpose and fulfillment, in a world polluted by hypocrisy and defamed by hatred and anger, is the projected necessity to feel needed, to feel important, in something so inconceivable that people make this their ultimate goal in life. The need for significance is a metaphor for the ego, that ego which dominates our life, from the day we are aware of the ‘self’ till the day our eyes close to our inevitable demise. The ego is who we are, but not. It is ultimately who we think we are. Our ego battles all that is, to justify its position and placing in the universe to appease itself as being significant. Ego is ‘us’, who we have always believed ourselves to be, it is the person telling you that you look good in the morning, and the very same person telling you what you need to accomplish to better yourself. The ego is selfish by the very definition of the term, for it represents our inner most selfish desires for what we want and how we want things to be. So it tells us, day by day, sunrise by sunset, that somewhere for some reason, even if we don’t know why, if we are here, we must be here for a reason, hence we are important, and that we do represent something meaningful in this otherwise static world. We justify this by considering to ourselves why else could we exist, how else could we exist? Too scared to admit to reality that we just are, and nothing more. This understanding is the distinguishing line between one who understands all that matters, is what matters to us, personally, and between a person who clings on to the notion of superiority and self-significance.

I went on a journey I shall never forget, seeing the world in its essential form. I witnessed the birth of creation and felt the waves of sound, while breathing the incandescent lights of utter beauty. My senses morphed into one ultimate state of collective feeling which elevated my senses to a level of incomparability and enabled me to feel the universe’s sensuality and magnificence. I travelled to a world that has imprinted its mark on my subconscious which shall remain there till my existence joins all else that is, in this vast expanse of otherworldliness. This world, this beautiful representation of unreserved truth where reality has no significance illustrated all that is in this world, and not merely what people, humans perceive on an everyday basis. Reality was merely a concept floating shapelessly by time and space, which also had no significance whatsoever. This state of an unnamed frame of mind, of being, can be called whatever you like, but ultimately it means nothing, for it merely happened, just like we are happening, like our ancestors happened, and our grandchildren will happen. I was brought to my knees in awe of the awesome spectacle that is truth in its quintessential form. I felt enlightened because I realized something, that there is nothing, but that does not mean that we don’t matter. We matter to us, we matter to our family, and to our friends. If we cannot find enough significance in life for those few most cherished entities in our lives, then we should continue to search in vain for something purposeful. We should forsake all that truly matters to us, so we suffer the pains of a narcissitic fool expecting grandeur and fame. We all have our own journeys to make, so make your own, choose your path carefully through the heavily clad forests of this sometimes ominous universe. I believe I have chosen mine.

But then I have to ask myself, how can I know all of this when I don’t really know what happened? How can I base life on an assumption of an occurrence, life being as significant as it is. Simply because I can, therefore I already have. So I leave the rest up to you. Did shrooms do this to me, or did I do this to me?

I want a camera, I feel it now

Logic out, emotion in

I used to believe in emotion. I used to let it run my life and all that I did day by day, or at least I used to think that I did. But recently I learnt otherwise. Life has become a tangled web of intangible consciousnesses that seem so hard to differentiate between one another that it seems impossible to identify the essential motive for taking a decision in all wakes of life. I find that even in the small acts within our lives, they have a far grander purpose, often invisible to our callous perspectives. A good friend once told me that I stopped making decisions based on my heart a long time ago. She told me that I slowly began conforming to the ways that we all so easily do, to the ways of the world. I may be indirect, but I just didn’t want to use the worn-out phrase ‘society’, but ultimately that’s what it all boils down to. Because of how I personally imagined myself to be, which in itself was formulated largely on the basis of others’ opinions, I had very stubborn preconceived notions of who I was and who I was supposed to be. Thereby inherently limiting myself from a world of possibilities, be it regarding love or life in general.

The reason that this is such a profound topic for me is because I let others so easily influence my opinions/likes/tastes/passions/personality/etc. I was effectively handing them the keys to the rollercoaster of a life that I already possessed. And when somebody who doesn’t really give a damn is given a Bugatti Veyron in the streets of a congested maze, the consequences are irreparable. By letting the opinion of others control my image, thereby controlling me, I was being led rather than allowing myself to find my own path. Life is about experience, that goes without saying, and it these experiences which shape our character to determine the essence of who we truly are in everyday life, who we are in the face of adversity, and who we are within society. It was through experience that I witnessed my own failures as an individual; so easily swayed and influenced by those I let through the barriers of the heart. I was a puppet that let my masters manipulate my very beliefs, I let them shape who I thought I was, and I let them rule. It took a loss so profound to make me realize that, which I shall always regret. I lost a loved one, at no fault of hers, but rather at my own shortcomings as an independent individual among society. Because of the notions of conformity in society, it was written from before our encounter that my love and I would forever be written off as just another failed couple. Yet, lasting 2years, society turned its eye, ignoring our success, and I continued to be so easily swayed. It was no surprise that with the presence of a little difficulty I capitulated without a second thought, blaming the fact that I was not ultimately ‘fulfilled’ in life with my love. I used this merely as an excuse to free myself from something that I believed limited me. I unknowingly searched for an escape from something so good for me, because the seed of doubt was so conveniently placed within my very being from before the conception of our union. Growing exponentially, the doubt that we did not belong forever ruled my actions within our unison. Till one day, I was too weak to fight it anymore.

Why is it so that we never realize what we have till all hope has faded and we’ve lost? Such a cliché, but for a reason no? Time and time again, those few who experience the depths of the darkest subconscious realms, continually try to reiterate the criticality of searching for what we truly desire. Not for the superficial longings so visible in today’s consumerist culture, nor the imposed desires of those close to, or around us, but the quintessential necessity that we all have buried deep within us. So, I say this, go and find what you really want and then think, is this what you really want?

a sequence of events

It’s been over a year since any constructive piece of writing has flowed from within me, but today shall see that day. It has taken a lot to reach this point in my life, with such a flurry of paradoxical emotions twittering in my heart and mind, it has taken a lot for me to start writing again. I sincerely don’t mean for this to be a life-blog (well, not entirely), perhaps simply a synopsis of who I am, and where I’m coming from, but I find I’m at a loss to be able to describe even that.

So let me just explain what led me to creating this account and writing again. The most positive motivator was undoubtedly my long lost compadre and best friend, aniB. Having not seen such a close friend in over 3 and a half years, I went to visit her in her native habitat during a weeklong break. It was a reunion unfit for ordinary diction, ecstatic in the least. I was in the presence of someone who challenged me, understood me, and pretty much knew me, after too long a time.

If there were any accurate way of describing how I felt, it would only be to say, that for the first time in a long time, I felt at peace, I felt whole, I felt like I finally relinquished the putrid emotions which had scarred me, and finally embraced myself and my situation.

I hadn’t seen aniB or anyone from Panama since I vacated Panama City 3 and a half years ago. Living in that country for 2 and a half years of my life, during the most fundamental adolescent years of my life, I felt a bond with that place. This bond was taken from me, taken and shredded. I was forced to move to my native country, India, to finish off the last two years high school. I was distraught.

My life was not life, but misery embodied in physical entity. A hollow shell, pining for the past, too lost and alone to realize that the future would be the key to revisiting my past. Then I met 2 people. My best friend in India, G Umarov from Kazakhstan, and the girl who stole my heart and put me under a spell, A Kaur.

They changed my life and gave me hope. Both of them. In different ways. Nonetheless, my life was complicated, attributed to the fact that I wasn’t doing things that were healthy for myself, and my life.

Scarred from the forced departure of a place I loved at such a delicate age, I felt like I would never bond with people like those in Panama again, actively sealing my fate and causing my own doom. They never felt I was there, in my entirety. I guess I wasn’t there if the first time I felt like I was with someone who understood me was when I met aniB.

Its been over the course of the last one a half years in university, that I’ve learned a lot. And understood my stubborness is just plain harmful. But the most profound impact one person could have made on my life, would unequivocally be A Kaur. If ever someone believed that nobody could change the essence of your entity, well she almost did mine. Her photo is posted right before this blog.

I was with her for the last 2 years of my life, and Ive known her for the last 3. I would never say that I stopped writing because of her, but I definately stopped while I was with her, even if it was in my control.

To explain our entire relationship, would be a neverending tale such as that of the Illiad, tireless in its exploits to educate the listener to the momentous events that took place in history. But ultimately, she taught me more about love, life, and loss, than I could have ever imagined. We ended our relationship in January, but we haven’t seen each other since October. And we have one of those relationships where its so intimate, that no matter who your with, you can always go back to them. But, in the end, we have ended a 2 year partnership (which, I caused).

The irony however, is that I sit here, in front of all who read this blog, writing again, only when we are no longer a couple.

And I sit writing this blog remembering her, and what I’ve lost. But most of all, I’m writing what I feel, because I lost much more than her. If only you knew…

Greetings, I have returned